Give and Take In Relationships
by Alex Elkholyhttp://alexelkholy.com
In a healthy relationship, there will be an equal amount of give and take. Both parties will give and receive roughly the same amount of value. Unfortunately, it's very common to encounter a person who is at an extreme side of give and take, yourself included.
Your success in a relationship relies on finding people who maintain an equal ratio of give and take. If you find yourself giving too much value and receiving none, you will feel used and be unhappy for getting nothing in return. If you take more value than you give, you will quickly find that nobody wants to be around you; you will have become a leech.
Now, value itself can be anything. Humor, fun, a car, coolness, support, as long as it's something somebody else wants to have around them. The important thing I've found in having good, fun relationships is not the amount of value you give, but having a balance of giving and taking. Remember this, it's about maintaining the ratio.
The Giving Side:
When you're with people, you have to bring value to the table. The problem is that there is no quantifiable thing called value' that you can buy at the corner market. What is considered value is different for each person, and the type of value you bring will determine what sort of people are attracted to you. If you're a frat party guy who can bring lots of beer to a party, it's not hard to imagine the types of people who would want to be with you.
If you're a taker who doesn't know how to give, you need to either take less or learn to provide more value. Giving more value is sometimes obvious; offer to help people out, organize things to do, tell awesome stories or jokes. However, it doesn't have to be something as obvious as these. You can provide value just by being a good guy. This means being positive, having a sense of humor, not getting angry over little things, or even just being somebody to text message with when bored.
I had a friend in English class once. We were friends because we would often text each other while trying to write the long essays required for the class. It was a fun distraction. Another friend of mine likes to be with me because I comforted her when she was worried about finding a career and job.
If you want more specifics on how to be a valuable person, read my site!
The Taking Side:
In order for a relationship to to remain balanced, you must also take value. I've read plenty of literature on building relationships that suggest you give value. But rarely is the equally important side of taking value talked about. Your own personal happiness is one reason, another is that it can make the other person feel uncomfortable because they can think they're taking too much from you. Learn to either demand value to match your own, or to accept it when offered.
I recently realized how I was the type who gave too much, prompting me to write this entry. I, like a lot of other people, fall into the trap of always helping people out for nothing in return. A girl I know has been wanting to hang out with me a lot recently, in a non romantic sort of way. You see, I have a car and she doesn't. Today I drove her to the library, practically wrote an entire resume for her, and drove her back. I realized on the way to drop her off while she was on the phone that I wasn't happy. I wasn't getting anything anything in return except for the offer of gas money.
To me, gas money has little value compared with hanging out with a funny person who likes to do fun things. To her, however, having a friend who drives you to places has a lot of value. The ratio is off and I am unhappy because the value she brought was not something I wanted.
I used to be so starving for any kind of friendship, I wouldn't think anything about receiving value in relationships. When you'll take anything and everything, you will probably boost your amount of friends. But you have to consider the quality of the friendships. Is it really worth it to have a lot of crappy friends? Or maybe it's better to have a smaller group of friends you really enjoy hanging out with?
(Saving yourself from this situation requires a bit of coldness. Either flat out tell them you don't like being with them or avoid them.)
Article submitted Tuesday, May 26, 2009 & read 115 times.
Leave Your Comments:
» left by Teresa Ortiz (288 days 7 hours ago.)
Hi Alex, welcome to searchwarp! It's nice to have you. Thank you for sharing your perspective on having a healthy relationship. I think its great to be a giver who expects nothing in return as well.Blessings to you! TeresaRespond to this comment
» left by Anonymous (264 days 15 hours ago.)
Wonderful article, just what I needed today while getting rid of my taker "friends." Thanks.Respond to this comment
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